Estrangement: A Tale of Ungrateful Sons and Daughters

In 1815 the Brothers Grimm released one of their lesser known folk tales entitled,"The Ungrateful Son." It told the story of a man and his wife who were preparing to eat a delicious roast chicken for their dinner. As they sat down to eat, the man notices his elderly father coming toward the house. Since the son was a selfish sort, he didn't want to share his table or his food with his father, so he quickly grabbed the chicken and hid it before his father could see it.

The aged father stayed long enough to have a drink and exchange some pleasantries before leaving his son's home. Once his father was gone, the son retrieved the roast chicken and prepared to enjoy dinner with his wife. But when the son picked up the chicken it transformed into a great ugly toad which quickly jumped onto the son's face and stayed there. No man dared to try to remove the toad for fear that the ugly creature would jump on him. As a result, the son was forced to feed the toad every day or else the toad would feed on the man's face. The son lived the rest of his life with the source of his greed always attached to him. He was forced to wear his disgrace publicly and experienced a lifetime of physical and emotional discomfort. In this way, the son was punished for his selfishness and his treatment of his elderly father.

Over the past few years I've watched this dark tale come to life in many families - both here and abroad. I've witnessed adult children cutting off their aging parents with little to no explanation and then bemoaning the fact that they don't have a "community", a "tribe", or any "support system". Duhhhhh..... Of course you don't. And you won't. If you keep cutting people out of your life.

A cursory exploration of online chat threads will quickly reveal how serious the problem is, and how destructive the narrative has become surrounding this topic. This trend, when carried out for the wrong reasons, is neither therapeutic, healing, or healthy - it is an arrogant, vicious, and cruel act. And when we only engage with people who feel the same way we do, we create an "echo chamber"

where dissenting voices, thought-provoking questions, and alternative opinions are ostracized, attacked, and silenced.

By all means - if you were beaten, abused, and physically or emotionally harmed on a recurring basis, then go ahead - cut and run if that's what you sense God is telling you to do. But be sure to do it the "grown-up" way and run it by some spiritually and emotionally healthy elders before you do. Those are the people who can speak the truth in love to you, who don't have a "dog in the fight", and who won't benefit in some way from your estrangement.

While the Bible describes how and when to end relationships with unhealthy or toxic people, much of today's estrangements between adult children and their parents are rooted in offense, deception, lack of accountability, a rebellious spirit, emotional and spiritual immaturity, and the inability to engage in difficult conversations - on one or both sides.

The good news? Jesus told us this would happen. And He told us how to respond. It is possible to have strong boundaries while still maintaining a measure of civility and respect toward your parents. It is still possible to honor your parents, even if you don't particularly like them. Spiritually healthy and emotionally mature people have learned how to do this. If you don't know how to develop this skill, just ask for their help.

Please know, I recognize that some parents have been cut off by their adult children for valid and Biblically acceptable reasons. In many cases the parents are simply reaping the consequences of their own bad behaviors and relational choices. I also recognize that some adult children have tried - multiple times - to resolve and address the issues with their parents - but to no avail. The important thing is to be sure you have clean hands and a pure heart before the Lord regarding the matter. Have you done all that He has asked of you in this situation?

Sadly, there are many other parents who have been discarded, rejected, and abandoned by their children - forced to live in a perpetual state of torment and grief because their adult children are offended, self-absorbed, and butt-hurt - lacking perspective, empathy, wisdom, and insight regarding the lived experiences of their mothers and fathers. Many of these adult children simply walked away from relationship without making an attempt to explain what they were upset about. They were unable to accept the fact that their parents may hold a different opinion, a different recollection, or a different perception of the issues at hand.

If you are a professing follower of Jesus and are currently estranged from your parents, I encourage you to consider whether you have handled the situation according to Scripture. Perhaps the Lord is asking you to make another effort to share your pain with them - and then, extend an empathetic ear to hear what they have to share. This will require vulnerability from both individuals. The Bible is clear, you cannot be reconciled to God while remaining estranged from His people. That includes the parents He gave you.

Having said that - none of us can control the decisions of another person. Just because we pour out our heart to our parents doesn't ensure we will get the results we desire. And likewise, just because our children talk with us does not mean they will agree to maintain a relationship with us. If you have done everything you know how to do, in accordance with Scripture, then you can release the situation to God in a spirit of forgiveness.

If you are intentionally withholding grandchildren from your parents without Biblical precedence, or doing so in an attempt to "punish" them, you are engaging in sin, revealing a cold and hardened heart, and inflicting an intense form of torment and pain on another human. The sad part is, you may have no understanding or awareness of the generational harm and havoc you are causing. At least, not yet.

Keep in mind, that which we sow is also what we will eventually reap. It is impossible to be a true follower of Jesus and engage in these harmful and tormenting behaviors. True believers are commanded to walk through the Biblical steps of reconciliation and restoration wherever and whenever necessary. To heed the counsel or teaching of anyone or anything that tells you differently is nothing more than delusion, deception, and succumbing to a spirit of witchcraft.

As you can tell, this issue weighs heavy on my heart. As a therapist, ministry leader, and friend, I have seen far too much devastation and destruction because of this cruel, evil, and demonic "trend" that is bolstered through social media and pop psychology. The individuals who promote and foster this type of destructive behavior in another person's family will have much to answer for. Just know, their millstones are waiting.

I am aware this is a hot-button topic for many. All I can say is, you don't want to find yourself standing over a casket one day with things left unsaid and issues left unresolved. If you have done all you know to do, then release it to the Lord. The Holy Spirit will give you peace when you have been released.

If this situation applies to you, do what the Bible instructs you to do - pursue reconciliation and restoration wherever possible. Don't wait. You know who you are. And so does God.